Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
