i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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