doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
