Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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