Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
