my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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