I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
