he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
