I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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