I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
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this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
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Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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