nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
