cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
