Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
