if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
