I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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