Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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