Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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