but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
