Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
this beer tastes like vomit already
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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