Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
