the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
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Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
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well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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