Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
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Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
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I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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