I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm sobbing to NWA
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
