I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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