So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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