Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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