The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
