I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Your shirt... Was in my pants
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
