Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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