can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I CAN MOONWALK!
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
