"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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