I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
