The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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