im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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