I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
