I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
