My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Dignity is for republicans.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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