Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
