Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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