Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
please come you make the beer taste better
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
