Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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