discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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