I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
