Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
