I hate all girls vehemently.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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