Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
