my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Randomize
