I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
