I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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