New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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