If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
