I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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