It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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