I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
