I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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